No Admittance, Except on Party Business

Dear Mom,

I've started hosting a weekly game night at my place. And I've found it is the very best kind of therapy. It forces me to clean up, and make food, and play hostess, which I love. It gives me an excuse to try new recipes, and vacuum. 

It's such a little thing, but it also reminds me where I'm going: I want a house. I want to fall back into that weird mix of housewife and career woman, and host parties and dinner events.  I want a dining room table, like a freakin' grown-up.

I love these nights. It's like ... church. A once-a-week commitment to doing something ELSE. And it's very peaceful.

Anyway, that's all ... pretty simple, still trying to clean up for tonight.

Missing you always,

Kaitlin

"You Can Talk All You Want, But It's Different Than It Was ... "

Dear Mom,

I'm learning how to adult.  I'm learning every day how to live my life doing the things you always used to do for me.  And I have this amazing, wonderful sense of accomplishment every time I manage one of them.  It's like an affirmation that this will all be okay.

What I haven't gotten around to dealing with, what I might NEVER get around to truly dealing with, is the talk.  This week I finally realized how much I am holding in every day, just by not being able to talk to you.  Even this, it doesn't really help as much as I would like.  Because you can't answer.  It's a one-way street.  So I don't talk as much, and I let everything build.  And my thoughts and emotions are reaching critical mass.  It's hurting me, and it's hurting the people I care about who have to deal with me slowly leaking all over them.

So I signed up for a therapist. There's an app called TalkSpace, where you can get a therapist on your phone, instead of having to go into a scheduled session.  I'm hoping the ability to unload whenever and wherever I need to will help, even the smallest bit.  But honestly, I know it's never going to be the same.

No therapist will care as much about what I had to eat today, and how I felt about my shoes and scarf matching. A boyfriend won't understand all of our quirky family stories.  And no matter how long my closest friends have been in my life, they will never be so invested in my day-to-day life.  And I never realized how much I need someone to be invested.  It was a relationship I took for granted, and I regret that to my very core.  Man, I never thought I would feel genuine understanding for social media celebrities and reality stars ... they have a whole world of fans that would COMPLETELY LOVE to know EVERY little thing that happened to them that day.  Well, guess I better get famous really fast.

I'm hoping to find other ways to decompress.  I am hoping I can find a way to talk about things, without overwhelming everyone around me.  I am HOPING, somehow, these things that need to be said will find their way into my creative endeavors.  Then at least something good might come of all this pain.

That's it for now ...
Love,
Kaitlin

People Are the Worst

Dear Mom,

As we are constantly trying to do the healthy things, Kathryn and I decided it would be totally awesome to participate in a 1-mile Fun Run for charity. Specifically, the Cupid's Undie Run. Good cause, good fun, and you get to tell stories later about how awesome it is to run in the freezing cold in nothing but your "bedroom best." So like the Polar Plunge, minus the hypothermia.

The run was yesterday. I wore something that I would feel comfortable wearing on stage, if the role called for it. So covering OH so much more than most of the girls there, but still way less than I generally wear out in public. As you can imagine, this event was already very hard for me, on a self-confidence level. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and ridiculously out of shape. Plus, I'm not a runner. But I said I'd go, so I followed through.

And I was having a BLAST. I wasn't by any means the fastest, but I wasn't at the back of the pack either! It was raining and FREEZING cold but we were all in it together, having some fun, and honestly I kept up a steady jogging pace for most of it. I'm surprised I didn't drop dead.

Afterwards, Kathryn and I were walking back to my car, and I mentioned these two girls in tutus that I had been chatting and laughing with during the race. At which point, she informed me that they were, in fact, making fun of me the entire time. The moment I was out of earshot, they went off. Every time. And I have no idea why.

And I cried. A lot. I waited until I was alone in my car at the end of everything, but then I just fell to pieces. Because, wouldn't you know it, I'm back to getting emotional over EVERYTHING. But even if I weren't, I feel like I might be justified with this one. It would be one thing if they were making fun of me to my face, or where I could hear them. But seriously, this was middle school all over again. This was Liberty Jail, where I thought people liked me, only to overhear 80% of the male cast complaining about how horrible I was. And then for them to be perfectly civil and nice and smiling to my face. And I wish my own self-confidence weren't wrapped up so delicately in other people's opinions, but I'm a performer! My career literally depends on people liking me!

But really, we're not twelve, ladies. Grow up.

I'm getting over it, I swear. Just, not any time soon, I imagine ...

Love you,
Kaitlin

California Raisins, and "Nothing Says Family Like Harry Potter"

Dear Mom,

It was always strange to me, when I moved here four years ago, that people in my life didn't know you. Back home or even in Virginia, all my friends knew you. I could tell them family stories and they would understand. But here, I've had to adjust. I have to take into consideration the fact that, if you don't know us, most of my stories sound like mental instability of some kind. But there's always something that sets me off, and makes me want to just talk about my family, and about you. Of course now, it's even worse. Because not only do they not know you, but they'll never get to. I'm constantly trying to make sure to get across, in my stories, just how wonderful you were. And how tragic it is that the world has lost you.

Today, I was telling one such story to Tanya (who, thankfully, does truly understand.) We were talking about Harry Potter, and I started going on and on about how much a part of our lives those stories became. I remember introducing you all to it, and I told her that by the time Goblet of Fire came out, we were pre-ordering four copies of every book, so none of us had to share or rely on each others' reading speeds. And I told her how you and Dad would take us out of school to go see opening day matinees, every time a new Harry Potter movie came out.  I think, for me, Harry Potter is one of those things that just says "family" to me. The books, the movies, and how excited you were to finally ride on the Hogwarts Express the last time you were here ... they are all such warm, comforting things. They go in that part of my being that defines not only my childhood, but me. Right alongside mini golfing in the summer, and all of our unique and unshakable holiday traditions. Even little knick-knacks we had around the house, like your California Raisins.

I remember playing with those like crazy when I was a kid, and I never understood why you had them! I don't know where yours ended up, it's been years after all, but today I saw one in a thrift shop and just started laugh-crying like a crazy person. And then bought three new outfits, all of which you would have loved.

Anyway, I'm terribly behind on my homework this week and only have a couple more hours to complete some of it, so I should probably get back to it. Hope all is well, miss you.

Love,
Kaitlin

Better Outlet, Better Clothes

Recently, on my own personal road to recovery, I've started something new: I've been talking to Mom, as though she's still around. I'll have private, one-sided conversations with her in my car on my way to work, or in my house. All the usual times I used to call and talk to her. And it's all been helping, and seemed relatively harmless.

Until I found myself having a conversation with her, out loud, in the middle of a Ross.

I have decided that I need a better outlet. So here I am, writing out my thoughts and the things I would usually talk to my mother about, out where anyone can see them. Which she would have appreciated. After all, we were hilarious as a duo, why should that stop now just because half of our act has passed on?

Disclaimer: I miss my mother terribly, and every single day. But I've been reacting to it in very odd ways, so I'm really not sure quite how any of this is going to go.

I might as well begin.

Dear Mom,

I went on a bit of a shopping spree today, and while I was out all I wanted to do was call and ask a very simple question that has plagued us for years: WHY do all the expensive brands seem to have a monopoly on TRULY adorable clothes?! Seriously! Every time I would go to pick up something that just screamed to be worn, it was by one of those brands that never has a sale. And even if they do, 50% off a huge stack of money is still half of a huge stack!! Their 50% off is usually still four times as much as I would pay for any one article of clothing! It is the MOST frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, I still came home with enough new clothes to fashionably outfit a small country.

Anyway, I think I've found a great shopping partner in Emily. She's very good at the things we used to do. The "Yes, but what would you wear it with?" and the "You love that, you're trying it on." And of course, the irreplaceable, honest, "That looks absolutely terrible on you, take it off right now." It was comforting, being able to shop almost like old times. The true art of retail therapy is lost on many. It's a shame, really ... we're such pros at it, and we can't even be recognized for our greatness.

In any case, I've run out of room in my closet again. Yet another argument for me and Loretta moving into a bigger place. I have clearly outgrown this one.

Missing you every single day.

Love,
Kaitlin