"You Can Talk All You Want, But It's Different Than It Was ... "

Dear Mom,

I'm learning how to adult.  I'm learning every day how to live my life doing the things you always used to do for me.  And I have this amazing, wonderful sense of accomplishment every time I manage one of them.  It's like an affirmation that this will all be okay.

What I haven't gotten around to dealing with, what I might NEVER get around to truly dealing with, is the talk.  This week I finally realized how much I am holding in every day, just by not being able to talk to you.  Even this, it doesn't really help as much as I would like.  Because you can't answer.  It's a one-way street.  So I don't talk as much, and I let everything build.  And my thoughts and emotions are reaching critical mass.  It's hurting me, and it's hurting the people I care about who have to deal with me slowly leaking all over them.

So I signed up for a therapist. There's an app called TalkSpace, where you can get a therapist on your phone, instead of having to go into a scheduled session.  I'm hoping the ability to unload whenever and wherever I need to will help, even the smallest bit.  But honestly, I know it's never going to be the same.

No therapist will care as much about what I had to eat today, and how I felt about my shoes and scarf matching. A boyfriend won't understand all of our quirky family stories.  And no matter how long my closest friends have been in my life, they will never be so invested in my day-to-day life.  And I never realized how much I need someone to be invested.  It was a relationship I took for granted, and I regret that to my very core.  Man, I never thought I would feel genuine understanding for social media celebrities and reality stars ... they have a whole world of fans that would COMPLETELY LOVE to know EVERY little thing that happened to them that day.  Well, guess I better get famous really fast.

I'm hoping to find other ways to decompress.  I am hoping I can find a way to talk about things, without overwhelming everyone around me.  I am HOPING, somehow, these things that need to be said will find their way into my creative endeavors.  Then at least something good might come of all this pain.

That's it for now ...
Love,
Kaitlin